All countries have history; what else could they torture schoolchildren with? But Portuguese history is fascinating for one particular reason. Before 1974 no one in Portugal spoke Portuguese, everyone spoke English. Portuguese hadn’t even been invented and they only called themselves Portuguese to make the Spanish mad. Didn’t work, the Spanish don’t care. Then came the great 1974 Carnation revolution. A guy called the Salad Czar was running the country and according to some Portuguese I know, he did a mighty fine job. There was no crime, no Adam Sandler movies and Coca Cola was illegal. Nothing to complain about there, until an American corporation got involved and it all went sideyways. Now, I’ll try to be historically accurate, but remember we are dealing with a foreign country here, so facts might be a little malleable. It seems the Carnation Company was a freedom symbol for the Portuguese -- go figure! The population took to the streets, threw Carnation cans at the cops, poured condensed milk down the soldiers’ rifle barrels and generally created chaos. The Salad Czar bailed and the Portuguese had their own country. But they didn’t have their own language, not until a committee created one. It was made up of the most confusing parts of the languages the committee members spoke. So, Portuguese is part Spanish/Italian/French/Serbian all bound together with a bit of ancient Norse and some Welsh swear-words. To make it more incomprehensible, the committee chairman had lost most of his teeth on the soccer field and spoke with a wet lisp. That is why the Portuguese slur every word and learning Portuguese is as exasperating as pushing Jello up a ladder with your butt.
Which brings me to the humble abacaxi, or pineapple in the sensible, civilized world. This Portuguese word was made up by a committee member who was a Scrabble player and those were the letters he had. A side-note here: don’t ever try playing Portuguese Scrabble because there are no rules. No one wanted to call the pineapple an abacaxi until the committee member pointed out it would irritate the Spanish no end, so they all instantly agreed. They also agreed that now they were an independent nation it was essential only they could speak the language properly. So classes were formed to teach the Portuguese how to look stupid when faced with a foreigner trying to speak their language. They were very successful, and here’s an example. Yesterday, I went into a bakery to buy bread rolls. Simple, really. So, in my best Portuguese I asked for two bollinas. And got the blankest stare you’re ever likely to meet; this young lady had obviously been top of her class. I made all kinds of lunatic Americano gestures until she was quite satisfied I was properly humiliated, then said ‘Oh, bollinas.’ She’s lucky I don’t carry a gun anymore, not since that silly tragedy in Dallas. Now, think on this: I was in a bakery, so you would assume I intended to buy a bread product. If so, my bollinas was very close to her bollinas, so don’t you think she could have figured it out? After all, I wasn’t trying to buy spark-plugs for a ‘62 Mercedes, or show her a picture of Christiano Ronaldo’s willy. Christiano’s a soccer player who’s big around here, but I don’t know how big his willy is though, and don’t care to find out.
And while we’re on the subject of willies, here’s an American- English/English-English faux pas. As everyone in Britain knows, a willy is something all little boys have and love playing with until they’re about seventy five years old. So imagine the chuckles several years ago when the Americans (God bless them) released a movie about a killer whale titled FREE WILLY. Free Willy indeed! Dozens of young men were arrested in London after the movie came out. It seems they would wander around the streets, unzipped and smashed to the eyebrows, shouting to any young lady they passed, ‘Wanna free willy, darling!?’
Said young ladies and the local constabulary were not amused, while a few young men were gobsmacked when some of the braver lassies replied, ‘Looks more like a guppy, sweetheart!’
Such are the perils of foreign languages. It’s good the Portuguese have their own country, but they made a mistake with the language. I know that when there are no foreigners around they speak English to each other, so why not drop the pretense? Why don’t we all speak English, with or without willies, and make the world a safer, happier place? That would make the Spanish mad.
